How I Miss You

Yes I do miss you. So much, that it breaks my heart. I don’t know whether you miss me as well. I stay up late at night so I can speak to you. Your voice is the last thing I want to hear when I fall asleep so that it goes deep into my sub-conscious and stays there forever. It’s painful to miss you.

 Sometimes I want to isolate myself, physically. I want to lock myself in a room and limit contact with you and the rest of the world. I do it because I have to, because today I need to find myself. I want to remove myself until I am lonely, until I can’t stand to stay away longer. I need to do this because everything I do and everywhere I go feels like a prison cell.

Or maybe I should remove myself, mentally. That’s the hardest thing to do. I want to challenge the distance between our minds. That’s exactly what I am doing since the past one month- picking up an empty argument , refusing to yield to any solution and looming in the void you have created, harping on the memory of certain days, days that are long gone. Those few days I spent with you are like summer. The walk in the rain and the evenings in your flat are etched into my memory in black ink. I remember all the things you said, I remember the gentleness, the urgency, the rain, the wetness and the cold and I miss you.

I have taken inventory of my life and I know what’s gone missing. The easy company. The long talks. The secrets. Your voice. Your presence. These are things I now know exist but had never taken special notice of before. Now they’re showing up to make me realize that I am never going to find them in someone else. They are my joy and my happiness comes from them. Now they are out of reach because you are withholding them from me.

I want to regain what I have lost but I have trouble expressing myself. I try to talk normally but I end up choosing all the wrong words, “I am busy”,  or “How was your day?” or “I have been reading this fantastic book” but all of the sentiments just scream out of my mouth as “I miss you.” Every gap in the conversation simply says “I miss you.” And the worst feeling comes when you know all about my pain but you refuse to do anything about it.

I want to miss you until you come back, or until I come back, until your absence in my life becomes something to be avoided permanently. I will miss you until it feels like you never left. Or I will miss you until you can’t anymore, until the things I miss are identified as things and not you, until I can find a way to figure out how easy company, long talks, the secrets and your voice and your unblinking, all-knowing eye contact will find me again the way they did at the first time. 

Soulmate

I have never been in a serious relationship. Love has always eluded me. A year back I met this guy who I thought had to be “the one.” He was smart and older to me. His eyes were sharp and twinkled when he smiled, he mostly listened to soft rock and jazz. Plus he was my senior at school but we didn’t know each other during that time. We got along well and I thought “Yes that’s it. Now I have found someone, I don’t need to look elsewhere.”  But then he backed off, because he couldn’t handle the distance between us. I moved on. I met a few guys after that but the fire was never kindled.

Though I am the only single person in my group of friends I have never really felt lonely. But the person I’ve been in a relationship with for at least 19 years, who has always been there for me no matter what, is my best friend.

Meeting your best friend feels like going on an awesome first date every time you guys talk or hang out. It seems like momentum. We finish each other’s sentences. The rhythm of our conversations is speedy because our brains are working so fast to keep up with the other. Over the years we have watched each other cry, smile, grow and we are proud of each other. Sometimes I can’t believe I even been friends with her for that long. 19 years. In that time I have grown to love and treasure her. It feels as if she is a part of me. She reads my mind. There is nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood. And understanding someone else. The memories we shared, our inside jokes, the laughter and the tears live inside me. These are all traits we look and hope for in our soul mates, but the truth is that you can always count on your best friend to be your soul mate, even if all of your other romantic relationships fail.

There’s no such thing as “the one.” Ideas about “the one” are probably the biggest myths that our culture teaches us from a very early age, which is why a lot of us get brainwashed into looking for “oneness” in all of our lovers. The obvious truth is that there are so many different kinds of people in the world that over the course of our lives we will have many “ones” — the one we think is the one because he or she likes the same things we do, the one we think is the one because they are exactly our type. Life is never fair and we are always going through a lot transitions. And that’s why your best friend is your soul mate. No matter where you go in life, no matter what you do, no matter where you are, across countries, cities, or through different career paths, your best friend is the person you can meet up with in person for the first time in weeks, months or even years. A best friend is there for all of your heartaches and joys. He or she will listen to you go on and on and on about your problems and will give you their honest take on the issue. Your best friend will listen to you talk about your dissertation project and eventually they will know more about those things than you do.

Sometimes people cut their exs out of their lives, even when they have been together for a long time. I can understand that bad things happen and heartbreak never fully heals. But that’s probably the main reason your best friend is your soul mate because he or she is not going to break up with you.