How I Miss You

Yes I do miss you. So much, that it breaks my heart. I don’t know whether you miss me as well. I stay up late at night so I can speak to you. Your voice is the last thing I want to hear when I fall asleep so that it goes deep into my sub-conscious and stays there forever. It’s painful to miss you.

 Sometimes I want to isolate myself, physically. I want to lock myself in a room and limit contact with you and the rest of the world. I do it because I have to, because today I need to find myself. I want to remove myself until I am lonely, until I can’t stand to stay away longer. I need to do this because everything I do and everywhere I go feels like a prison cell.

Or maybe I should remove myself, mentally. That’s the hardest thing to do. I want to challenge the distance between our minds. That’s exactly what I am doing since the past one month- picking up an empty argument , refusing to yield to any solution and looming in the void you have created, harping on the memory of certain days, days that are long gone. Those few days I spent with you are like summer. The walk in the rain and the evenings in your flat are etched into my memory in black ink. I remember all the things you said, I remember the gentleness, the urgency, the rain, the wetness and the cold and I miss you.

I have taken inventory of my life and I know what’s gone missing. The easy company. The long talks. The secrets. Your voice. Your presence. These are things I now know exist but had never taken special notice of before. Now they’re showing up to make me realize that I am never going to find them in someone else. They are my joy and my happiness comes from them. Now they are out of reach because you are withholding them from me.

I want to regain what I have lost but I have trouble expressing myself. I try to talk normally but I end up choosing all the wrong words, “I am busy”,  or “How was your day?” or “I have been reading this fantastic book” but all of the sentiments just scream out of my mouth as “I miss you.” Every gap in the conversation simply says “I miss you.” And the worst feeling comes when you know all about my pain but you refuse to do anything about it.

I want to miss you until you come back, or until I come back, until your absence in my life becomes something to be avoided permanently. I will miss you until it feels like you never left. Or I will miss you until you can’t anymore, until the things I miss are identified as things and not you, until I can find a way to figure out how easy company, long talks, the secrets and your voice and your unblinking, all-knowing eye contact will find me again the way they did at the first time. 

Soulmate

I have never been in a serious relationship. Love has always eluded me. A year back I met this guy who I thought had to be “the one.” He was smart and older to me. His eyes were sharp and twinkled when he smiled, he mostly listened to soft rock and jazz. Plus he was my senior at school but we didn’t know each other during that time. We got along well and I thought “Yes that’s it. Now I have found someone, I don’t need to look elsewhere.”  But then he backed off, because he couldn’t handle the distance between us. I moved on. I met a few guys after that but the fire was never kindled.

Though I am the only single person in my group of friends I have never really felt lonely. But the person I’ve been in a relationship with for at least 19 years, who has always been there for me no matter what, is my best friend.

Meeting your best friend feels like going on an awesome first date every time you guys talk or hang out. It seems like momentum. We finish each other’s sentences. The rhythm of our conversations is speedy because our brains are working so fast to keep up with the other. Over the years we have watched each other cry, smile, grow and we are proud of each other. Sometimes I can’t believe I even been friends with her for that long. 19 years. In that time I have grown to love and treasure her. It feels as if she is a part of me. She reads my mind. There is nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood. And understanding someone else. The memories we shared, our inside jokes, the laughter and the tears live inside me. These are all traits we look and hope for in our soul mates, but the truth is that you can always count on your best friend to be your soul mate, even if all of your other romantic relationships fail.

There’s no such thing as “the one.” Ideas about “the one” are probably the biggest myths that our culture teaches us from a very early age, which is why a lot of us get brainwashed into looking for “oneness” in all of our lovers. The obvious truth is that there are so many different kinds of people in the world that over the course of our lives we will have many “ones” — the one we think is the one because he or she likes the same things we do, the one we think is the one because they are exactly our type. Life is never fair and we are always going through a lot transitions. And that’s why your best friend is your soul mate. No matter where you go in life, no matter what you do, no matter where you are, across countries, cities, or through different career paths, your best friend is the person you can meet up with in person for the first time in weeks, months or even years. A best friend is there for all of your heartaches and joys. He or she will listen to you go on and on and on about your problems and will give you their honest take on the issue. Your best friend will listen to you talk about your dissertation project and eventually they will know more about those things than you do.

Sometimes people cut their exs out of their lives, even when they have been together for a long time. I can understand that bad things happen and heartbreak never fully heals. But that’s probably the main reason your best friend is your soul mate because he or she is not going to break up with you.

BLACK ROSE

Taking my face in your palm,
you whispered my name and love.
The scent of your breathe,
the whisper of your voice
and the velvet of your tongue
reminded me of the rose.
You were my black rose
the rarest of the rare.
Strange and irreplaceable.
Unreachable, yet I was
lying in your arms.
What a thorny embrace it was.
You were my black rose,
with your brooding black eyes,
whispers, delicate touch, musky smell,
and the satiny lips caressing
every pore of my body.
But you were the black rose,
thorny, cruel and black.
And as the rose withers
so did you.
Going far, far away,
making me fade into oblivion.

Silence

Yesterday while cleaning my cupboard I found my old diary. I had forgotten about it's existence. The cover has faded and it smells like dust. The writing inside has faded a little but I could still read it. I found a bundle of your photographs stacked inside. All the memories came rushing back. I was wondering what you look like now. I t has been a long time since I saw you.
I don't know whether you are dating someone. I wonder whether our relation meant anything to you or did it just turn into random Skype sessions with a girl you had met on the bus.
I still wear the nose stud you liked so much. I still tie my hair the way you liked. I still can't walk past Gloria Jeans coffee shop without thinking about you. I always see us sitting on that same table drinking cappuccino and eating blueberry muffins, looking out of the glass at the passing traffic.
The color navy blue reminds me of you.
I have always liked long distance relationships. I know you don't. You never asked why I liked them. Trust is the foundation of a relationship. If you can trust a person who lives thousands of miles away, then that's beautiful. Yes, we never got to kiss and hug a lot but we did get to talk, see and hear each other several times. It was amazing when we met each other. We fought less and laughed more. It was beautiful.
I respect anyone who is in a long distance relationship. They are harder than a lot of things but they are worth it in the end.
I kept all your secrets and I still think you are hot even if you haven't got those six pack abs.
I think about the bus journey, Limca, the sugar packets, the coffee, your smile, the hug, the silence and you.
When I run into you someday can I ask why we stopped talking?

Without You

One you said, "you are my world".
And I replied, "I am only a part of your world".
Today when I remember it, I realize
how right you were........
for without you I am left without  a world..

A Requiem

How indifferent we are today!
That a day we were one,
seems to be a dream.
I colored myself in your like,
you took on the colors of my imagination.
Now with a shroud on me I lie
in the coffin of our heart.

The Khan Khan Dance

The other day I going through the newspaper with my usual evening cuppa when I came across a news about our King Khan. SRK was detained at the White Plains airport, near New York was almost 2 hours. He had been invited by the Yale University to deliver a lecture and had arrived by a private plane with Neeta Ambani on Thursday. Ambani and the others got immediate clearance but Khan was detained for 2 hours. He was later freed after the Yale University officials contacted the homeland security and the custom officials. The detention obviously sparked of an angry reaction. "The US should stop this policy of detention and apology", said an angry SM Krishna. The External Affairs minister asked ambassador Nirupama Rao to talk to the highest US authorities. The diplomat from the US embassy also apologised. In short it was a big fuss.


While reading the report and the reaction of our government I experienced irritation about the whole fuss. Its annoying to read how our celebrities go abroad and throw tantrums when they are questioned by the security agencies. What is more irritating is the reaction of our government. The alacrity with which the government reacts and the way politicians express their indignation at the insult to our celebrity and by extension to our great democracy is simply stupid


Shah Rukh Khan was detained for 2 hours and let off. Big Deal! Whats all the fuss about? It happens to many people all the time. USA is a nation which has faced a major terror attack and it is very strict about security. If they have a name on their list which matches the name of our superstar, they would do their job. I think we should be grateful about this as they are doing it for the security of millions of people. This has become a part and parcel of International travelling and there are many stories about various celebrities being detained and questioned at length. How often have you heard of any such stories about these celebrities and their countries reacting angrily and making a fuss out of the whole thing?


SRK is neither Abdul Kalam or any top government official who is travelling abroad on the behalf of our country. No doubt he is a superstar but unfortunately the US officials are not going to fawn over him like people here in India do. If he is interrogated, he has to fight it, which I believe he did and once they were convinced he is no ordinary Indian after having heard from the Yale University guys that he is indeed a famous Indian personality, they let him go, with an apology. What’s wrong? Why does the government have to jump and demand an explanation? Where was the need for the Indian external affairs minister S M Krishna to ask the ambassador to the US to take it up with the authorities? Doesn't he have more important matters to attend to?


In the recent IPL game in Jaipur SRK walked into the stadium, with his pack of cigarettes and smoked openly, in full view of public and was shown live on TV. Why didn’t the govt act with the same alacrity then and haul him up?

After reaching Yale University, Shah Rukh said "Whenever I start feeling too arrogant about myself, I always take a trip to America. The immigration guys kick the star out of stardom”. Wouldn’t it have been great if the security men in Jaipur too had kicked the ‘star out of stardom’? Wonder how the government would have reacted then! 
Our government should get a life and concentrated more on public welfare issues and the eradication of corruption rather than these mundane things.