Finding Acceptance

I truly believe, that only once in our life we come across someone who turns our world upside down, someone who has such a profound impact on you that you can never be the same again. In that sudden flash of realization we dare to be brave and see that love costs everything we are and everything we ever will be. We change so much for the sake of that one person. I changed so much for the sake of that one person. I found myself sharing my deepest desires, goals I could never achieve, my dreams and hopes for the future and all the disappointments life had thrown at me. I was surprised that I had so much hidden inside me. I was a better person then. I am a different person now. With you everything seemed colourful, insignificant things like a song, a note, a walk were invaluable treasures. Laughter seemed a part of daily life. The daily phone calls helped me to get through the long day and made me smile. It is because of you that today I have the confidence that I can paint. I had lost confidence in myself but your encouragement and faith made me take up art again. I was content having you in my life. But you were not and I failed to notice it. This discord and ruin of what was once a beautiful friendship and relationship happened because I couldn't accept what had happened. I had forgotten that I was free to chose but not free enough to escape the consequences of my choice. I was blocked from taking that next step in life because I just refuse to accept everything that had happened.
There is a fine line between love and dysfunction, a distinct difference between passionate and crazy. It is important that we learn to find acceptance. To accept who we are as a person, acceptance of the situation, acceptance of the fact that change is the only constant force in our life. We can only grow when we learn to accept. What we want may not always be what we need.  Accept that everything you love won’t always love you back. Accept that sometimes when you give, you’re giving to somebody who doesn’t know how to receive. They reject you out of their own neglect. I am learning to accept it slowly and allowing myself to open up to new experiences. 
Sometimes the things I am forced to accept cause me pain but its not the end of the world. I have realised that dwelling on certain things won’t do anything but make bad situation worse.Coming to terms with the loss or your situation simply means that you have admitted what has happened and moved on with your life. Acceptance and coming to terms with what happened between us does not mean that I have forgotten you, that I have forgotten what we were to each other. That can never happen. New love does not erase old scars, it does not change the real 'you'. I am still me and I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you.  
 

If I never have to see you again....

I f I never have to see you again,
I will always carry you inside me,
Wrapped in my heart,
and immersed in my tears.
If I never have to see you again,
I will always carry you outside me,
your name scrawled in the inside of my thighs,
your scent infused in the curve of my neck,
your touch trailing my spine,
If I never have to see you again,
you will always remain in the centers,
centers of what remains of me....

THE THING

Do you know that feeling? When you have lost something but can’t remember what it was? You are desperately trying to think of it but it won’t come to you. You have said it a million times before and it was always there- right where you left it. But now you can’t recall it. You try and try and make it appear and it almost does. But it never does.

There are times when it surfaces-when I sense it on the tip of my tongue. I feel it struggling inside my chest to burst forth like a beach ball that can only be held beneath the water for so long.

I feel it stirring when someone hurts me. When I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back. When I trust someone with a secret and they betray me. When someone I admire tells me I am not good enough for them.

I don’t know what it was that I have lost. But I know it was important. I know it once made me happy.

CROSSWORDS

I write to bring you closer. To imagine your fingers trailing on the curve of my neck onto my shoulder. To recall the feel of your lips in the curve of my waist. And how are bodies would fall into each other like words in a crossword puzzle. I write for the raw ache inside me when the ink seeps into the paper-for the bittersweet sorrow which comes from bringing you back.

THREE QUESTIONS

What was it like to love him? Asked Gratitude.

It was like being exhumed, she answered. And brought to life in a flash of light.

What was it like to be loved in return? Asked Joy.

It was like being seen after perpetual darkness, she replied. To be heard after a lifetime of silence.

What was it like to lose him? Asked Sorrow.

There was a long pause before she responded.

It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me-said all at once.

Weather

You were the unexpected.

I did not expect your effect on my heart,

my mind,

my feelings,

my thoughts,

my dreams.

You were the soothing sound

of the light pitter-patter of a drizzle

on a June Sunday morning

in my brutal destructing hurricane.

Lost Things

When you have lost something-like a favorite CD or a set of keys- and while looking for it you come across something else you once lost but have long since forgotten?

Well whatever it was, there was a point where you decided to stop searching- maybe because it was no longer required or a replacement was found. It is almost as if it never existed-until that moment of discovering, a flash of recognition.

Everyone has an inventory of lost things to be found. Yearning to be acknowledged for the worth they once held in your life.

I think that is where I belong- among your lost things. An old photograph pressed between the pages of your book. I hope someday you will find me and remember what I once meant to you.